I have been “in country” for three months now……

“He’s got that 1000 yard stare”

“You get that from being in the bush too long”

I sleep on a mattress not fit for Willow that’s this guy in case you don’t know who he is .Anyhow back to the mattress, yes … definitely the mattress. Picture those dreadful Popsicle sticks the doctor uses to check your tongue, now imagine two of those side by side. That is what I sleep on. Except, the only sheet in the abode we have for it that fits, is Hello Kitty (I am Jack’s shoulder slumping defeat of all that is man), and…and the blanket cover is pink. Talk about feeling Herculean when you wake up in the morning. Nothing says confidence in their masculinity like that ass rot Hello Kitty bed sheet I am obliged to live with. Do you know how I know you’re gay? Because you sleep with a Hello Kitty bed sheet! Fuck!!! Excuse me while I look over my shoulder and stare angrily at my worthless twin sized bed. Worthless spring-filled nightmare machination, that about covers the bed.

Back to the land that time forgot, Ohio. Living here is like getting to go to Disney Land everyday. Except, imagine Walt Disney treasured flannel and appalling haircuts instead of some morose fantasy involving mouse sex and Jewish hatred. Every month in my home town (during the summer) we have some sort of “ethnic” fest, Irish fest, German Fest, Italian Fest, Strap on a greasy beater and rock your mullet Fest. Funny, I didn’t know every single one of them ate elephant ears and French fries, culture, served up on a bed of leafy greens and ignorance. It’s not all bad here, we have a mall, with a carousel, it doesn’t matter that the animals you strap your kids too smell like wood glue and urine, “that’s just the cleaning agent” the ride operator assured me(except he didn’t say agent, he said thingy), and then he went and picked up trays from the food court.

If shopping at the mall doesn’t fill your consuming needs we have a massive Metroplex like Wal-Mart. BTW this is Metroplex, he was a transformer……. that turned into a city. Do you know how I know you’re gay? Because you bought a fucking transformer that turned into a city….Hasbrownd! Conversely, the Wal-Mart does not transform into anything here, it’s just a place for old people to go when they die! This Wal-Mart isn’t some cheap ass one trick pony either; it’s a super Wal-Mart, filled with all sorts of child labor crafted goods. This comes in handy when I want to buy clothes and meat at the same time.