Roughly in six days time my would-be anniversary happens. This year would have made six years with Laura. However, we have been apart for almost one and a half years it will make two this coming April as far off as that horizon seems. Today it hits me the hardest, I am sitting at my friend’s house looking out the window and some familiar scent breezes into the window, and I am sucked from my spot and spit into a world of warm memories. When those remembrances faded there is nothing warm to greet me. I have felt the sentiment of isolation and aloneness growing for something time. Somewhere I was hoping that this month would rapidly pour into the bottom of September’s hour glass. If you look into the glass though you always see a few grains that stubbornly remain behind willing time to relent or maybe looking forlornly at all their friends at the bottom wondering why they are by themselves when everyone else is at the party. Sometimes it is tough to tell.
Recently I went to the grocery store late one night to get something to drink. While I was in there the feeling of being alone hit me strongly, why there I do not know. Somehow the lights inside the Giant Eagle at that moment were vividly bright and the color green stood out in heavy contrast to everything else. I know that does not make any sense, but the image is still with me, I close my eyes and can see it actively dancing through the grocery store. I purchased what I came for, some green tea and Samuel Adams Oktoberfest beer.
As I was walking outside there was a couple standing by their car putting groceries away into the back of the car. They reminded me of how alone I felt at that moment. I was walking to my truck and I watched their movements the whole time studying them, envying them as they would take comfort in the warmth of each other that night and many others I suppose. I fired up the truck and stomped on the peddle blowing past the red light at the end of the pathway, I sent the tires screaming onto the paved road and rocketed up to 75 miles an hour in a 25. My heart beat heavy in my chest and I could not get the image of the green light out of my mind. There was a brief moment that I felt like I would take flight from the truck and ascend to someplace that only the Gods knew. To be honest and as corny as it may sound I tried to embrace the feeling, at that point I just wanted to be anywhere other than alone.
Truthfully I do not remember pulling into the driveway and cutting the engine to the truck. I just sat there listening to the radio in the driveway while the street lamp behind me tried to make up its mind whether it wanted to stay on or off. In those moments of flashing orange street lamp haze and silent reflective darkness I felt as if I was the only being in the world. I felt that getting out of the truck would bring back all the earthly burdens of emotional baggage I tried to leave at Giant Eagle after seeing that couple. As if that could be feasibly done, at one moment the truck was a safe-haven and a tomb. I remember resting my head back against the cold glass window behind me and closing my eyes wondering what I was doing here. Again I was visited by the green light. I am not sure how I got onto this subject, my original intention was to somehow write about my relationship with Laura, and how I miss her, and truthfully just miss female companionship. Anyway I have some pointless homework assignment to attend to, maybe if someone else reads this they can offer some wisdom as to what is happening.
I miss you L....
