Green Tea

Roughly in six days time my would-be anniversary happens. This year would have made six years with Laura. However, we have been apart for almost one and a half years it will make two this coming April as far off as that horizon seems. Today it hits me the hardest, I am sitting at my friend’s house looking out the window and some familiar scent breezes into the window, and I am sucked from my spot and spit into a world of warm memories. When those remembrances faded there is nothing warm to greet me. I have felt the sentiment of isolation and aloneness growing for something time. Somewhere I was hoping that this month would rapidly pour into the bottom of September’s hour glass. If you look into the glass though you always see a few grains that stubbornly remain behind willing time to relent or maybe looking forlornly at all their friends at the bottom wondering why they are by themselves when everyone else is at the party. Sometimes it is tough to tell.

Recently I went to the grocery store late one night to get something to drink. While I was in there the feeling of being alone hit me strongly, why there I do not know. Somehow the lights inside the Giant Eagle at that moment were vividly bright and the color green stood out in heavy contrast to everything else. I know that does not make any sense, but the image is still with me, I close my eyes and can see it actively dancing through the grocery store. I purchased what I came for, some green tea and Samuel Adams Oktoberfest beer.

As I was walking outside there was a couple standing by their car putting groceries away into the back of the car. They reminded me of how alone I felt at that moment. I was walking to my truck and I watched their movements the whole time studying them, envying them as they would take comfort in the warmth of each other that night and many others I suppose. I fired up the truck and stomped on the peddle blowing past the red light at the end of the pathway, I sent the tires screaming onto the paved road and rocketed up to 75 miles an hour in a 25. My heart beat heavy in my chest and I could not get the image of the green light out of my mind. There was a brief moment that I felt like I would take flight from the truck and ascend to someplace that only the Gods knew. To be honest and as corny as it may sound I tried to embrace the feeling, at that point I just wanted to be anywhere other than alone.

Truthfully I do not remember pulling into the driveway and cutting the engine to the truck. I just sat there listening to the radio in the driveway while the street lamp behind me tried to make up its mind whether it wanted to stay on or off. In those moments of flashing orange street lamp haze and silent reflective darkness I felt as if I was the only being in the world. I felt that getting out of the truck would bring back all the earthly burdens of emotional baggage I tried to leave at Giant Eagle after seeing that couple. As if that could be feasibly done, at one moment the truck was a safe-haven and a tomb. I remember resting my head back against the cold glass window behind me and closing my eyes wondering what I was doing here. Again I was visited by the green light. I am not sure how I got onto this subject, my original intention was to somehow write about my relationship with Laura, and how I miss her, and truthfully just miss female companionship. Anyway I have some pointless homework assignment to attend to, maybe if someone else reads this they can offer some wisdom as to what is happening.

"True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen."

-La Rochefoucauld"

I miss you L....

I have been “in country” for three months now……

“He’s got that 1000 yard stare”

“You get that from being in the bush too long”

I sleep on a mattress not fit for Willow that’s this guy in case you don’t know who he is .Anyhow back to the mattress, yes … definitely the mattress. Picture those dreadful Popsicle sticks the doctor uses to check your tongue, now imagine two of those side by side. That is what I sleep on. Except, the only sheet in the abode we have for it that fits, is Hello Kitty (I am Jack’s shoulder slumping defeat of all that is man), and…and the blanket cover is pink. Talk about feeling Herculean when you wake up in the morning. Nothing says confidence in their masculinity like that ass rot Hello Kitty bed sheet I am obliged to live with. Do you know how I know you’re gay? Because you sleep with a Hello Kitty bed sheet! Fuck!!! Excuse me while I look over my shoulder and stare angrily at my worthless twin sized bed. Worthless spring-filled nightmare machination, that about covers the bed.

Back to the land that time forgot, Ohio. Living here is like getting to go to Disney Land everyday. Except, imagine Walt Disney treasured flannel and appalling haircuts instead of some morose fantasy involving mouse sex and Jewish hatred. Every month in my home town (during the summer) we have some sort of “ethnic” fest, Irish fest, German Fest, Italian Fest, Strap on a greasy beater and rock your mullet Fest. Funny, I didn’t know every single one of them ate elephant ears and French fries, culture, served up on a bed of leafy greens and ignorance. It’s not all bad here, we have a mall, with a carousel, it doesn’t matter that the animals you strap your kids too smell like wood glue and urine, “that’s just the cleaning agent” the ride operator assured me(except he didn’t say agent, he said thingy), and then he went and picked up trays from the food court.

If shopping at the mall doesn’t fill your consuming needs we have a massive Metroplex like Wal-Mart. BTW this is Metroplex, he was a transformer……. that turned into a city. Do you know how I know you’re gay? Because you bought a fucking transformer that turned into a city….Hasbrownd! Conversely, the Wal-Mart does not transform into anything here, it’s just a place for old people to go when they die! This Wal-Mart isn’t some cheap ass one trick pony either; it’s a super Wal-Mart, filled with all sorts of child labor crafted goods. This comes in handy when I want to buy clothes and meat at the same time.

Renaissance

I see my footprints here, covered in a layer of dust, that softly billows into the air I as close the door behind me. It has been a long time since I have been here. I guess that is a benefit, as I can write in piece and really have only myself as an audience.


I went and saw Harry Potter yesterday with an old friend. The first ten minutes of the film seemed unreal to me, somehow none of it made sense, I realized why. This is the first time seeing this film with out Laura. There was no one to get excited as the intro music started, no one to grab my arm at the scary parts, no one bother me to get pop-corn in the middle of the film. Somehow the temperature in the theater was colder than it used to be.It has been a little more than a year since we have been apart. Being at this film reminded me how much I still have to go to fully recover from her leaving me. I tried to get into the mood of the film and enjoy it, like I used to, but the moments I could, were fleeting. My friend next to me was one of my best friends before I moved to Los Angeles. However, I strongly feel those times are at an end, he lives on pills snorts heroine and whatever he can stitch into his soul. When we hang out I spend my time watching him lapse in and out of reality. He was someone who was intellectually stimulating to be around, now just a scarecrow divested of all qualities good in men. I feel myself severing the bond slowly strand by strand, like most of the people I know back here, just shadows.

However, despite all that I am happy with my life and the choices I made, even the choice to come back to Ohio. I am into my second semester of school now, my GPA is currently 3.9 and I am maintaining an A average in both of my classes currently. Ohio, while depressing at times, does have its grandeur. You do not have to wait in line everywhere you go, or sit in murder yourself traffic. Everything is green and smells fresh. There is peace in the serenity. One just has to look for it. I have been working for a friend doing landscaping. I enjoy working outside, I have lost a lot of weight working outside, coupled with the fact that I am in the gym every night I have lost even more. If you knew me four months ago, you would not recognize me.

I will graduate in September of next year with my Associates in business. Now business is not my major, I will have more credits to transfer to the university ( so says my enrollment councilor). After obtaining my two year degree, I will move out of Ohio and into Los Angeles again to continue my Bachelors degree. When I graduate and hold my degree in my hand, it will be the base from which all my great accomplishments grow from. After graduation I'll move to Europe and teach out there for six years or so, by that time I will have achieved my Master's and be working towards my PhD.

I have so much control over my life now, it humbles me to think how much I could have gained had I mastered my emotions while I was younger. No regrets though, it has made me into the man I am now.

I will leave on something philosophic.

Socrates "It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable"


Socrates will be pleased to know, not only am I strengthening my body but also my mind, sometimes I even watch Jeopardy while i am running on the treadmill, beat that old man!